You get home from your long day of work. No one is there to greet you, since you have no friends or family. Despite the circumstances, it’s not so bad, the latest and greatest David Cage has just been released!
It’s an a-political game about overthrowing an oppressive government. You sit down at your computer and buy the deluxe edition for $199. You wait 6 hours for the game to download, watching the progress bar start to finish.
Finally the game opens…
Fucking Bill Gates.
Bad enough he’s rich, now this.
After a quick reboot you’re ready to try again. The game opens and asks you to accept their terms and services, then to sign in. In the EULA, you agree that, killing a bus of children would be okay, but only if it reduced carbon emissions!
After agreeing to their data collection policy, analytics policy, refund policy and child exploitation policy (they use ethical child labour), you are finally ready to create your [insert name here] account.
Just enter your email, password, date of birth, address, phone number, social security number, passport (if valid), drivers license (if valid), medical history and mothers maiden name. Finally, make sure to click the email confirmation link and enter the 6 digit code sent to your phone!
The game opens with a beautiful splash screen and intro music. It’s only 10dB too loud (😂 on God 🙏). This provides emotional context for what we (yes you and me 🙂) are about to experience.
Unfortunately the game needs to compile shaders, so you’ll need to wait a while longer.
It takes 4 hours (still faster than The Last of Us Part I on launch).
Finally the game finishes loading and we are into the main menu! First let’s configure our settings!
You set your controls because you’re a ColemakDH user and would never type in the disgusting QWERTY layout. Fun fact! The QWERTY layout was made for typewriters so the common letters are far apart to avoid keys from locking up. Fun fact! This is actually a misnomer! Thank God we still use this layout on modern keyboards!
To your dismay David Cage has forgotten about you and you are unable to rebind one of the modifier keys. You quickly write a 10,000 line AutoHotkey script to remedy the issue. You also publish this script online under the GPL3 licence (to keep things free and open source 😲). You make sure to post on Reddit for that sweet hit of Reddit karma because why have sex when you could not…?
Anyway, now that the controls are working we can move onto graphics settings. You have a 4K ULTRA HD OLED 360HZ GAMING DISPLAY so you make sure to set the correct resolution and refresh rate (it’s definitely not possible to detect this automatically, definitely not, no way to do it).
There is also no way to preview these settings (it’s technically impossible) so you can’t see what any of these do. You can also head over to your trusty friend reddit to see some comparisons!
You’re presented with the following list of settings:
My goodness, I might blush 😳